Wednesday, January 10, 2007
been thinking and thinking.
in 1 month n few days time..
i will b graduating..
out of nyp..
have studied for lik 12 yrs, if u count frm pri1..
and will be officially 20 tis end of the yr..
(although its a bit too early now)
but i dun feel 20.
20 seems so old.
i dun FEEL 20.
i dun LOOK 20.
i feel lik im still a kid.
hahaha.
but have to face facts.
i will b graduating in a month plus time.
and what am i going to do after that ?
my uncle has been asking,
my auntie has been asking.
tt day she specifically CALLED me to ask..
to talk abt wat i shld do ..
i din noe wat to ans her..
jus entertain her by saying 'yeh' all the way.
n my uncle..
he kept asking mi to continue study..
take degree..
will be better he said..
den he ask mi wan to do wat type of job..
bla bla..
den sae he help mi kip a lookout..
i was like...
HUH .
n i still entertain him tell him i mayb wan study parttime or wat..
oso dunno.
n i feel obliged to go study in uni cus i'm afraid if i don do tt..
my relatives will look dwn on me .
but i noe i shld do tt.
i shld do wat i want to do.
but.
im easily influenced.
i hate it when ppl ask mi nowadays wat i wan to do aft grad..
and when i answer 'dunno' to them ..
i feel so.. i dont noe.
lik i haf no plans for my future.
its nt tt i haf no plans..
or mayb i relly haf no plans.
but i jus cant imagine me already a grad frm poly..
its jus so unbelievable.
i tried thinking that i wan to cont study..
in uni maybe.
but the mere tot of going to lectures.. tutorials.. having exams..
scares me.
or rather, makes me want to run away.
i dont want to go thru all tt anymore.
yet i feel lik studying wat i am interested in .
mayb nt full time, but part time..
but in NUS, NTU all tt?
NO WAY.
it may be interesting..
but i feel tt..
im nt THAT kind of study material..
no.
den i tot of mayb going to SIM ..
study accounts..
tts wat i wanted to study initially in poly.
but peisean nw studying tt.
den i everytime hear tt she nit to revise all tt..
i waas tinking..shit!
i dun even REVISE my work.
hell no.
im those kind of last minute ppl .
NO.
n i am kind of rejecting the idea of going SIM now.
n its freaking expensive, hearing what peisean tell me.
they send bills to you for whatever shit..n she doesnt even noe wat shes paying for.
hell.
den i tot of working..dun study further.
maybe study part time degree.
i feel lik studying accounting, mass com, psychology, early childhood..
tink tt tis are interesting,
but the mere tot of studying really puts me off.
its lik i cant stand it anymore.
work ?
work as wat ?
office?
nw my attachment..
i realize i cannot stand working in office..
i mean.. the work i do is ok..
its just the environment i guess..
n the office wear which i detest totally.
i guess im the kind who cant be tied down.
its the same for me in relationships.
=)
then wat will i work as?
open pet shop?
haha. i said tt the other time cus it jus came to my mind suddenly.
open a business of my own ?
that sounds crazy.
i cant even manage my room. cant even manage MYSELF.
how can i manage a business?
no way.
be a teacher?
sounds easy. but its not.
i wan to be in the CID..
but.. my medical condition is a problem.
band music..
last time i had the thought tt i wld still be playing in the band when im in my 20s..30s.. 40s..50s.. till old..
but now ?
because of some stupid irritating childish inconsiderate fcuked up pple..
i guess im nt going to accomplish tt.
i was thinking..if my resume.. had tt band thing in it..
wow. it wld b so ...
i dnt noe.
accomplished? amazing? satisfying? envy?
i dont noe the word for it.
kind of miss band. =anyway. back to the topic.
doing part time jobs for the rest of my life ?
crrazy.
i actually tot of being an actress b4..
but i lack the guts.
lack the guts to act in frnt of so mani ppl..
lack the guts to go for those star idol contest which i tink is so ridiculously stupid and lame.
so mayb im hoping for some ppl to talent spot me.
(yeh right as if tts gonna happen)
wat else is a choice for me?
i tink everythings a choice.
just that how i look at it.
whenver frens ask me..what am i going to do aft grad..
im at a loss of words.
n hearing what they say..
some say wnna study uni..
sme sae wanna start business..
they sound so confident.
they sound so sure.
listen liao i feel so.. dumb n useless.
like a mei chu xi kind of person.
im not a u-can-tie-me-down kind of person.
i need to be a free n easy person.
so maybe,
if anyone wants to start a business,
u can consider me as ur partner?
or i can be ur employee.
but i tink no one will wanna hire me.
maybe i will study part time and work at the same time,
n think carefully for one yr if i wan to study uni.
i STILL DONT NOE WAT I WAN TO DO AFT TYPING SO MUCH.
theres still no conclusion.
just let me die in an accident tml.
tt will make things easier.
i need opinions.
11:50 PM
